Oct 25, 2010
Don’t Make Things Complicated
Think of a difficult decision you’ve been putting off for a long, long time. Something that’s really hard to have to deal with, and so you’ve been putting it off forever.
Sit with the emotions that decision stirs up for a minute. Think of why it seems so scary, so complex, so hard to deal with.
And then listen with an open mind when I tell you you’re probably blowing it out of proportion. (I know. I do it all the freaking time.)
Just because a decision is hard doesn’t mean it is complicated.
Big decisions often seem like the hardest things in the world, but that difficulty is often self-generated because we add all this baggage around it. We worry about all the “fallout” from the decision, and we let that create this ominous Cloud of Crazy that shields us from ever making a decision.
Here’s an example: About 6 months ago I quit my day job after being in the computer industry for over a decade. I liked the paycheck, but hated the work experience (I realize now that I’m patently unemployable, because I just hate taking orders).
So the decision was simple (but hard): Work my ass off to build a business that would give me freedom.
But as I got closer to making it real, the decision became really complicated and emotional:
- I’ll have to do all this business paperwork, and I have no idea where to start.
- What will all the people who depend on me at work do? I was pretty central to the operation, so I knew that it would be hard to replace the roles I filled.
- How would I feel about leaving my team? I hated my job, but I loved the people I worked with.
- How would I train a replacement to do the things I did, the way I did them?
- What would I do about insurance? And taxes? And this and that and the other thing?
- What would my friends think? Would I still have friends?
- What would my relatives think? Would they give me constant flack?
… and so on, and so on. The thought of quitting work became a hugely stressful event because I worried about the “fallout,” and it helped me do just enough self-sabotage that I kept myself a safe distance from having to make a decision.
But it’s not the fallout that matters. It’s the decision.
Ultimately, I had to face the fact that I just couldn’t live in that job, in that industry anymore. It was crushing me & bleeding my will to exist out a bit more each day, and I reached a breaking point where I realized that I couldn’t not make the decision.
The fallout didn’t matter. Well, sure, it mattered in that it was important to deal with, and it was real, but it wasn’t a valid excuse to avoid making the decision:
- Either do something unsatisfying with the rest of my career … or do something I love.
Once I focused on that (and told myself I could handle the fallout when it came), the decision was made.
Walking in and giving notice was a very hard thing to do, but it wasn’t complicated. It was dead simple. Either-or.
The thing is, you can handle the fallout. Really.
Here’s the deal – scary “end of the world” things are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.
We survive. Others survive.
The world doesn’t end because we had to make a decision that inconvenienced ourselves (or others).
And sometimes it’s like a band-aid – it hurts like hell while you’re tearing it off, and then it feels better.
In fact, sometimes everyone ends up better off, because there’s a relief, a closure in the decision being made. You can finally move on. Everyone else, can too.
(And as surprising as it was to me, my day job team still survived after I left. Who knew!)
Life goes on. And often time, it gets better.
Focusing on the fallout is a convenient distraction, and that keeps you safe from making decisions.
It’s not easy to compartmentalize the fallout and really take a long, hard look at the simple-but-painfully-hard decision.
But if you want to move forward, it has to be done.
Think of a decision you’re avoiding. Ask yourself if you’re focusing on the fallout, and using that as an excuse to avoid the decision.
Life is pretty fucking tough. Please don’t make it harder on yourself. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I have my suspicions that you’ll rise to the occasion.
You get to live this life exactly one time, and you don’t want to look back 10 years from now wishin you had the stones to make the tough call.
If it helps, imagine that you had a friend that was struggling with this decision, and you could truly look at it objectively. What would you tell them? Then tell yourself.
Easy? Hell, no.
Complicated? It doesn’t have to be.
Easier said than done? Hell, yes. But that’s not an excuse for not doing it.
So here’s what I’m going to tell you to do right now …
- Pick one decision you’ve been putting off now and name it. Whatever it is that you’ve been telling yourself you need to do, but “It’s just so hard …” - pick it and decide you’re going to separate the decision from the fallout. Do it now – even before you leave a comment.
- Then leave a comment below and let me know that you’re going to act on your decision, and tell us what it is if you’re up to it. If you don’t want to put your name in, put “Ass Kicker,” that’s good enough for me.
- Spread the word about this article. This is an important message, and I want it to really get some reach. Click that retweet button below if you would, and spread the word however you can.
Do it now – you’ll thank yourself for it.
That is all -
Dave
8 Responses to “Don’t Make Things Complicated”
Oct 25, 2010 Cara
Wow – well that hit the nail on the head didn’t it?
I’ve been struggling with this decision about what to do with my career. I really dislike my job and doubt that I want to continue in the field at all, but I got so caught up in the fallout (what if I can’t make money on my own, what if I miss my coworkers too much, etc). But you are completely right, the decision is easy.
So that’s it – I’m going to act on my decision. I am not going to stay with my company any more and I am not going to stay in my field. This time next year, I will be making a living on my own.
Whew – that feels good! And scary!
Cara´s last blog ..What to do when you don’t feel like cooking
Oct 25, 2010 stace
Hi Dave, Glad you are back. My decision is to stick with this tedious search for a willing donor/s and how to get grant process until I raise at least enough for school fees (say $5000) and for this early education group in the middle of nowhere in Kenya ($10,000 all up min) I became involved with on a supposed stop over month in the country (was there 7 months and ended up with a boyfriend and a grassroots organisation/ngo). Then I will start a business to sustain me and the program so I don’t have to go through this again
Oct 25, 2010 Amy Hoy
Damn, that hits me where I live. That “fallout” thing is a damn good way of thinking about it.
For me, it’s about moving back to the US from Vienna, Austria. Or at least living there half time.
Fallout? The new friends I’ve made in Austria thinking I don’t care about them. Feeling like I’m a coward, a loser, giving up before I ought to, and contradicting some of my deeply held beliefs. Did I try hard enough? Is it my fault? Should I just accept the cultural differences here that make me miserable?
The major hassle of moving. The other major hassle of my credit report not looking so good, not because I don’t have the money but because I’m a flake who forgets to pay on time. That could cause trouble renting a nice apartment. The decision of WHERE to live. And we’re keeping a place in Vienna — so do we keep this (expensive) Vienna apartment or get a cheaper one (moving again, crap)? Going back to weather that I hate. Health insurance… one of the biggest damn worries, straight up, since last time I tried to get private insurance, I was denied. Screwing up the things I’m trying to do for my health (surgery with a long recovery period). Flying more often (makes me sick, and is generally unpleasant). Taxes. Legality… it’s very hard to figure out what’s legal and not when you move countries and you’re self-employed.
That’s all fallout. And the decision I came to this weekend was, whatever – I’ll figure it out.I just really want to go home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’ll feel better if I just live there part-time, but I can’t stand it any more. Maybe there’s something more I could do to find the people I need to be happy here in Vienna, but is it worth it? Being around the right people is so instrumental to my happiness… and if I walked into any major city in the US, I’d have a bunch of people who’d welcome me with enthusiasm, strangers and friends.
It’s been a really hard decision to come to, but you’re right – it’s not complicated. It was all “well, I don’t love him but I already bought a wedding dress!”. Well, I am unhappy here, and I have put in a very good effort to improve that and it didn’t work. So the trappings of health insurance and credit reports and weather aren’t really very good excuses.
Amy Hoy´s last blog ..I’ve Made 216-688 From Products This Year
Oct 25, 2010 Ass Kicker
I need to speak to the orchestra director about all these things we keep missing. Good gawd, I’m such a chicken!!
Oct 25, 2010 Mary E. Ulrich
As Halloween approaches and people put on costumes and try to be “scary” it always makes me smile. I think it is a great idea to separate the “scary” from the action. That I can do. Face my fears and put them aside so I can get the job done.
Love the phrase, “Cloud of Crazy” think you should coin that one.
My issues are when I have to choose between bad choices. The good choice doesn’t exist and I can’t create it. Not only does that paralyze and depress me but it steals my energy and hope. And no matter how many times I say the serenity prayer, it is damn complicated.
Mary E. Ulrich´s last blog ..Technology Act- Just for the Deaf and Blind
I did it! I did it! I emailed him and I feel amazing! Thank you so much!
Ass Kicker/Lisa Marie Mary´s last blog ..I Love Soul-Flower
Oct 25, 2010 Adam Porter
There ya go, Cara! I’m in the exact same position.
I don’t like my job (software dev.), or my field anymore. I’ve wanted to leave for quite a while now. My fallout includes all the standards common ones, plus I work for my family business.
It’s like double-scary. Not only am I severing ties with coworkers, but also severing ties with several members of my family (to a certain degree). Yikes!
I don’t work directly with or for any of them, but I’m still a fairly large part of the business.
I’ve been struggling to build up my own business, which will let me quit the job…but along with the “what if I fail?” stuff, I believe there’s some self-sabotage in there. While very little is “good” here at the family biz, there’s a deep tie to it. I’ve got the family pride as the driving force to stick with it, but I don’t have the passion to stick with it…and lack of passion has been draining me in all areas of my life.
So, Pride vs. Passion. I think cultivating my real passions are going to win out, in the end.
I dare say that 12 months from now, I’ll be self-employed!
Oct 25, 2010 Kick Ass Karen
Hey, I missed you! But you were clearly going through your own stuff.
I’m making a decision to commit more to a career change for myself and tell people of my plans, instead of spreading my energy around.
Kick Ass Karen´s last blog ..All Hail Tempura PantsLeave a Reply
When I started reading this post I thought, WOW! he's talking right to me. I can't say I'm ready to make my decision but I will separate the decision from the fallout as he suggests. Thanks Dave!
Cheers!
Bernita
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